These are the 3 patterns of the ‘chronically single,’ says breakup expert
Amy Chan brought in over $200,000 in 2023 with her business, according to documents seen by CNBC Make It.
Courtesy of Amy Chan
Do you feel like you’ve been single for a really long time?
Well, you’re not alone. The term “chronically single” has gone viral on TikTok with some videos reaching more than 10 million viewers globally.
There are two types of single people: single people who are happy being single, and single people who are not happy being single, Amy Chan told CNBC Make It.
After experiencing a gut-wrenching breakup in her 20s, Chan set off to change the breakup and dating experience for people everywhere. Today, she works as a relationship and breakup coach, and runs two weekend retreats, called “The Breakup Bootcamp” and “The Dating Bootcamp.”
She is also author of the book “Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart” and has built an online following of over 200,000 followers across TikTok and Instagram. She brought in over $200,000 in 2023 with her business, according to documents seen by CNBC Make It.
“There are people who are single and it’s painful for them, and I actually think it’s better [that way] because they’re motivated to try different things,” said Chan. “The hardest is when they have a good life [and] it’s not that they’re unhappy, so there isn’t a pain point to motivate them to get outside their comfort zone.”
“So even though being in a partnership would be amazing, the risk of having to get rejected, and to do all the stuff that comes with the process of dating — they just make excuses and they avoid it,” said Chan.
Based on her experience mentoring clients, here are three patterns that Chan has spotted in people who are “chronically single”:
They are ‘no’ oriented
One pattern that Chan has observed through her work is that those who tend to be single for a long time are people who like to say “no.”
“Something I’ve noticed with a lot of my successful clients is they just say ‘no,’… and they disqualify people before there’s any chance,” Chan told CNBC Make It. “They’ve never allowed this connection to have any potential to grow, because in their head, they have an idea of what they want, which might not be necessarily what they need.”
They tend to be very picky and can focus too much on the imperfections of the other person. “They have an idea of the person in their head, and it’s more about satisfying their ego than actually creating a meaningful connection,” said Chan in a TikTok video.
“I think that some of this is due to when you are used to being the leader… getting people to do things for you exactly the way you want, otherwise you could fire them — that doesn’t translate into relationships… love doesn’t thrive on harshness,” she told CNBC Make It.
They sabotage their relationships
Another pattern of the “chronically single” is that they tend to sabotage their relationships, said Chan. “One way people sabotage relationships is they invest in unavailable people,” she said.
“A lot of the time, they will then blame the city that they’re in, or [say] that ‘all guys are like this’ or ‘all girls are like this,’ without really peeling back the layers of why they do it,” she said. “And a very common reason why people have this chronic pattern of… feeling attracted or dating unavailable people is – it is actually a very convenient way to avoid intimacy.”
When asked, they may say that they don’t have a type, but Chan says otherwise. Although it may not be a physical type, singles who remain single for a long time may have an “emotional type,” she explained.
“It could be anxiety, it could be unavailability, whatever it is,” explained Chan. “There’s an emotional experience that is your type, and it’s going to come in different packaging.”
They don’t put themselves out there
Whether it’s not making the time in their busy schedules or not putting in the effort to meet new people, another pattern that Chan has spotted in people who stay single is that they don’t make the space in their lives for dating.
“There are a lot of myths about love and relationships that people think are true. One of them is that ‘love happens when you least expect it,'” said Chan. “And thus, [they] don’t put themselves out there.”
“I have had a lot of people [say] ‘well, you know, it’s gonna happen when it happens’ and I’m like, ‘but you work in a women’s facial clinic, and then you go straight home after… At what point is love going to hit you? When you’re watching TV?'”
“It’s almost an excuse to not put themselves out there, because they’ve [become] so comfortable with being single,” said Chan.
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