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Mocking the Mock Draft: First-round scenarios sure to piss everyone off

Let’s be honest, once Lawrence is off the board, we’re all rooting for chaos.
Illustration: AP

You all have seen more mock drafts than you can count by now. I get it. I promise you, though, you have not and will not see another that resembles this in any way. With the NFL Draft finally, mercifully starting soon, let’s have a little fun and create the most chaotic mock draft we can think of. My singular goal here is to put together a draft board that is somewhat reasonable, but utterly chaotic. Something to make nearly every fan base angry. Strap yourself in for this emotional rollercoaster.

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1. JAX — Trevor Lawrence, QB, Clemson

1. JAX — Trevor Lawrence, QB, Clemson

Illustration for article titled Mocking the Mock Draft: First-round scenarios sure to piss everyone off

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Let’s just go ahead and get this one out of the way right out of the gate. Fine. It’s Lawrence. There’s no way in hell it isn’t Lawrence. He’s basically already a part-owner of the team and barring a catastrophic failure of unmatched proportions, Lawrence will be the starting quarterback in Duuuuval for a long time. Next.

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2. NYJ — Justin Fields, QB, Ohio State

2. NYJ — Justin Fields, QB, Ohio State

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SURPRISE! The Jets pull their heads out of their collective asses and realize that Justin Fields is an elite quarterback prospect who belongs at either No. 1 or No. 2 in this draft, just like he has since he was the best high school quarterback recruit in the country — ahead of Lawrence. Jets fans are simultaneously excited and outraged, as now they must either return or burn their customized Zach Wilson jerseys.

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3. SF — Kyle Pitts, TE, Florida

3. SF — Kyle Pitts, TE, Florida

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After toying with the emotions of NFL fans and pundits alike, San Francisco goes with the überathlete Kyle Pitts, and head coach Kyle Shanahan salivates over the creative options he can put together with Pitts and George Kittle. Niners fans can’t believe they mortgaged their future for a tight end. Panic ensues.

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4. ATL — Penei Sewell, OT, Oregon

4. ATL — Penei Sewell, OT, Oregon

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With Pitts off the board, Atlanta is completely on tilt. They don’t receive a strong enough trade offer to move down, and Justin Fields is still on the board. Falcons fans are pumped, thinking Fields is theirs, but the Dodos shock the world and take stud offensive tackle Penei Sewell.

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5. CIN — DeVonta Smith, WR, Alabama

5. CIN — DeVonta Smith, WR, Alabama

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No longer having to choose between Penei Sewell and a wide receiver, the Bengals look to surround second-year quarterback Joe Burrow with talent at the receiver position. They stun everyone by taking Heisman-winning receiver DeVonta “Slim Reaper” Smith.

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6. MIA — Zach Wilson, QB, BYU

6. MIA — Zach Wilson, QB, BYU

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The Dolphins decide they didn’t see enough from Tua Tagovailoa in his rookie season to anoint him their starter of the future. Shockingly, with Zach Wilson tumbling down the draft board, they make the decision that he gives them a better chance to win. Miami fans riot.

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7. DET — Mac Jones, QB, Alabama

7. DET — Mac Jones, QB, Alabama

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Detroit kicks their fans while they’re down by selecting Michael McCorkle Jones, which subjects Michiganders to a quarterback battle between Jones and Goff. This leads to a statewide stomach-ache epidemic and a 28 percent spike in regional Miller Lite sales.

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8. CAR — Ja’Marr Chase, WR, LSU

8. CAR — Ja’Marr Chase, WR, LSU

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Carolina becomes a massive beneficiary of the boneheaded moves ahead of them, deciding to take best-available instead of position of need. Congratulations, Panthers fans — you got Ja’Marr Chase. However, it remains to be seen whether Sam Darnold can actually throw him the ball.

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9. DEN — Jaylen Waddle, WR, Alabama

9. DEN — Jaylen Waddle, WR, Alabama

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With how everything has unfolded thus far, Broncos fans are chomping at the bit for team brass to take the one remaining top-tier quarterback prospect, but instead, they decide to keep the Alabama wide receiver pipeline going and bring in Jaylen Waddle. “We believe in Drew Lock and feel that he can succeed with the right talent around him,” John Elway tells reporters.

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10. DAL — Kwity Paye, Edge, Michigan

10. DAL — Kwity Paye, Edge, Michigan

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The Cowboys actually do something smart, and bring in an incredibly athletic edge rusher in a bid to fix their atrocious defense. Cowboys fans will be, like, “Okay, cool, that makes sense, but I thought we’d get Patrick Surtain.”

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11. NYG — Trey Lance, QB, NDSU

11. NYG — Trey Lance, QB, NDSU

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Big Blue has to make a decision at their quarterback position, and decide that Daniel Jones just ain’t it. The team takes a stallion, either to motivate Jones into taking the next step — or to replace him after his next four-turnover game.

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12. PHI — Patrick Surtain II, CB, Alabama

12. PHI — Patrick Surtain II, CB, Alabama

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Philly fans scream at their televisions, asking why the hell they traded down, now seeing the top three wide receivers and the unicorn tight end. The Eagles pass on offense and take arguably the top corner in this draft class, trying to shore up their secondary, and once again ignoring their flailing offensive line.

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13. LAC — Najee Harris, RB, Alabama

13. LAC — Najee Harris, RB, Alabama

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The Chargers really don’t like Austin Ekeler to be their featured running back, and make that abundantly clear by selecting Najee Harris to form a one-two punch. Their fans are very confused and are not quite sure how to feel, because they simultaneously love Harris but also wonder if other needs should have been addressed.

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14. MIN — Christian Barmore, DT, Alabama

14. MIN — Christian Barmore, DT, Alabama

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The Vikings aim to revamp their defensive front, which is probably the right play here. Defensive tackles don’t excite the casual fans, and aren’t the splashy names. This name is read, and then the state of Minnesota collectively puts down its hot dish and Googles “Who is Christian Barmore,” and “Is Christian Barmore good?”

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15. NE — Kadarius Toney, WR, Florida

15. NE — Kadarius Toney, WR, Florida

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With Julian Edelman retiring, the Patriots decide to replace him with a very fast and shifty slot receiver out of Florida, which is great, except they still have Cam Newton at quarterback. Unable to find a trade partner to move up for a quarterback, the Patriots commit to another year of mediocrity.

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16. AZ — Rashawn Slater, OT, Northwestern

16. AZ — Rashawn Slater, OT, Northwestern

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Alright this is actually a steal and a really good pick. I told you, not every pick in this mock would be a bad one. Slater falling to No. 16 would be a shock, and the Cardinals would trip over themselves running the card to the Podium. Giving Kyler Murray an improved offensive line should be one of the top priorities.

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17. LVR — Micah Parsons, LB, Penn State

17. LVR — Micah Parsons, LB, Penn State

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The Raiders continue to infuriate their fanbase after dismantling their offensive line by going with a linebacker, of course. Yes, Parsons is an incredible linebacker prospect. No, I have no idea what the Raiders are doing with their line.

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18. MIA — Alijah Vera-Tucker, OG, USC

18. MIA — Alijah Vera-Tucker, OG, USC

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After pissing off the South Beach area with their first pick of Justin Fields, the Dolphins add to their offensive line to protect whoever it is that they decide to put under center.

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19. WAS — Gregory Rousseau, Edge, Miami

19. WAS — Gregory Rousseau, Edge, Miami

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Washington needs a lot of things, but one thing they don’t need is more pass rushers. However, head coach Ron Rivera doesn’t care about your opinions, and feels like there is no such thing as too much pass rush. Rousseau is a raw but gifted athlete, and Rivera rolls the dice on him instead of adding to the offensive side of the ball.

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20. CHI — Kyle Trask, QB, Florida

20. CHI — Kyle Trask, QB, Florida

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I live in Chicago. If this happens, I will be pulling down my blinds and staying inside, away from what I can only assume would be similar to a nuclear fallout. After not picking up the fifth-year option of Mitch Trubisky, and trying-but-failing to trade for Russell WIlson, the Bears take mediocre-at-best prospect Kyle Trask to compete with mediocre-at-best veteran Andy Dalton for which quarterback will lead the mediocre-at-best Chicago Bears.

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21. IND — Jeremiah Owusu-Koramoah, LB, Notre Dame

21. IND — Jeremiah Owusu-Koramoah, LB, Notre Dame

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The pick looks good on the surface, as Owusu-Koramoah is a hard-hitting thumper of a linebacker, but the Colts soon wish they had gone OL instead as new quarterback Carson Wentz quickly develops a case of the yips, just like he did in Philadelphia.

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22. TEN — Pat Freiermuth, TE, Penn State

22. TEN — Pat Freiermuth, TE, Penn State

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As Titans fans clamor for a pass catcher to line up opposite A.J. Brown, especially after letting Corey Davis leave in free agency, the Titans grant their wish. Kind of. Having also let tight end Jonnu Smith walk, the team decides that drafting a tight end not named Kyle Pitts is a better choice than taking a receiver, and Nashville loses their minds while eating barbecue.

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23. NYJ — Azeez Olujari, Edge, Georgia

23. NYJ — Azeez Olujari, Edge, Georgia

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After inexplicably lucking into Trevor Lawrence, the Jets add a very good pass rushing option to the new Robert Saleh-led defense. In a rare twist, the Jets actually have a stellar draft and begin the process of climbing out of the slimy dungeon they’ve been in for years.

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24. PIT — Caleb Farley, CB, Virginia Tech

24. PIT — Caleb Farley, CB, Virginia Tech

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Pittsburgh lost Maurkice Pouncey to retirement and Matt Feiler and Alejandro Villanueva to free agency, so naturally they draft a corner, leaving Ben Roethlisberger exposed to the elements of ferocious AFC North pass rushes.

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25. JAX — Travis Etienne, RB, Clemson

25. JAX — Travis Etienne, RB, Clemson

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Jacksonville uses their second pick of the first round on a running back, despite finding a diamond in the rough last year with undrafted free agent James Robinson absolutely tearing it up.

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26. CLE — Elijah Moore, WR, Ole Miss

26. CLE — Elijah Moore, WR, Ole Miss

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Adding to their wide receiver room, the Browns take a 5-foot-9, 180-pound slot receiver to give more weapons to Baker Mayfield. Browns fans go, “Eh, okay. I guess that’s good?” Cleveland, shockingly, finds itself without many holes on their roster. It feels weird.

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27. BAL — Christian Darrisaw, OT, Virginia Tech

27. BAL — Christian Darrisaw, OT, Virginia Tech

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Baltimore uses their first of a couple late first-round selections on a good offensive tackle prospect. Cool, okay. Makes sense. They still have another pick coming. Can’t screw this up for a team that’s already a playoff squad.

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28. NO — Trevon Moehrig, S, TCU

28. NO — Trevon Moehrig, S, TCU

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The Saints released cornerback Janoris Jenkins, and there’s still a very good corner in former-NFL wide receiver Joe Horn’s son, Jaycee Horn, on the board. But, nah, they like the hard-hitting TCU safety Trevon Moehrig, and take a gamble on his athleticism and play-making ability.

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29. GB — Jaycee Horn, CB, South Carolina

29. GB — Jaycee Horn, CB, South Carolina

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Future hall-of-fame quarterback Aaron Rodgers has been off playing Jeopardy! host this offseason, and one must suspect he’s been asking, “What is a damn receiving threat we could play opposite Davante?” The Packers whiff, again, and Rodgers pours out a very large cocktail and starts streaming on social media.

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30. BUF — Terrace Marshall Jr., WR, LSU

30. BUF — Terrace Marshall Jr., WR, LSU

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Buffalo decides to arm Josh Allen with even more playmakers on the outside, taking the long and rangy wide receiver prospect. It kinda makes sense to put a bigger wide receiver opposite Stefon Diggs, but Bills fans would likely prefer to continue beefing up the defense.

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31. BAL — Teven Jenkins, OT, Oklahoma State

31. BAL — Teven Jenkins, OT, Oklahoma State

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Baltimore took Christian Darrisaw with pick No. 27. Ravens fans are celebrating the inevitable selection of a first-round wide receiver to help Lamar Jackson take another step forward as a passer. The Ravens instead take… another lineman.

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32. TB — Jevon Holland, S, Oregon

32. TB — Jevon Holland, S, Oregon

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Quite frankly, there’s no such thing as a bad pick for Tampa Bay. They had arguably the best offseason in the NFL and have the luxury of pretty much just taking the best player available. So, sure. Here’s a safety to add to the mix. Whatever. Nobody likes you.

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