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A highly sarcastic Android security warning

Holy floppin’ hellfire, Henry! Have you heard? A terrifying new form of Android malware is running amok — stealing passwords, emptying bank accounts, and drinking all the grape soda from the refrigerators of unsuspecting Android phone owners.

We should all be quivering in our rainboots, according to almost all the information I’ve read on these here internets. Numerous adjective-filled news stories have warned me that the “scary new Android malware” is “spreading quickly,” targeting “millions” (millions!) of users, and occasionally even “kicking people square in the groin.” (All right, so I made that last part up. But you get the idea.)

BUT WAIT! It gets worse: The malware, known as FluBot (because it wouldn’t be Android malware if it didn’t have an annoyingly cutesy name), works by showing up on your phone, gaining access to all of your most sensitive data, and then sending your deepest secrets to hooligans who are preemptively cackling over your unavoidable misfortune.

It’s enough to make you want to toss your Android phone into the nearest quarry and go into permanent hiding. I get it — who wouldn’t react that way? Before you start searching for the nearest bunker, though, there’s something you should know about this menacing Android malware. And it’s something that, if we’re being fully honest, applies to the vast majority of fear-inducing Android security stories we see out in the wild.

Ready? This Android malware should be incredibly scary for you — if, that is, you’re a complete and total nitwit.

No offense to the complete and total nitwits of the world (we love you, we really do), but let me provide a little oft-missing context about how exactly this latest big, bad malware monster actually works:

Copyright © 2021 IDG Communications, Inc.

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