Pup Amp and Mr Kristofer chat about being in a queer kink relationship

By Jamal Grootboom 30m ago

We did a demo that ended far too quickly, and like a lost puppy he came back the following year and I did it again.

The biggest difference that second year, was that this time we had a longer conversation that allowed for us to actually get a sense of each other.

We hit it off and kept in contact when eight months later, after a long-distance fling, Kris officially collared Amp as his only pup. Meanwhile, Amp started to officially call him “Daddy”.

Polyamorous is still a new concept for many people, what was your initial conversation about being poly and open?

Truthfully, we didn’t actually have that conversation at the beginning, beyond that we had both been over our recent relationships but were still a little wishy-washy on wanting a “real relationship”, so it very much started open. Amp was the pup, Kris was the Daddy and then we just kinda flowed organically.

Kristofer had always had doms that were in and out of the picture, but the pup was a constant, and it wasn’t until Kristofer brought a boy into the mix that we officially sat down and talked about all of the poly dynamics we were enjoying, whether we knew it or not.

Granted, we knew what poly was, but didn’t really grasp the complexities of it until sitting down and communicating about compersion [the opposite of jealousy], schedules and how our love for other people didn’t dampen the relationship we had and wanted to continue.

Why do you think many people are still averse to the concepts of polyamory and open relationships?

We believe we all have been brought up in mostly heteronormative households and get fed a steady diet of being monogamous from an early age in society.

Similar to the food analogy though, everybody is different, every diet is different and every relationship is different.

It’s the perpetuated stigma around different relationships that makes people so averse to trying new things, at least in our opinions.

Trying to be “normal” drives people away from complex relationships because our society thinks different is always bad.

In reality, being able to communicate about the complexities of jealousy, consent, open relationships, brought us closer together, not farther apart.

Religion plays a large factor in what we tell ourselves is socially acceptable as well, as does a lack of representation for those that are poly, open or monogamish; there just aren’t enough people normalising or having those conversations out in the open for people to see.

How does being kinksters play a part in your relationship?

Well, our mutual love of bondage is what first brought us together, so that remains a big part of our relationship today, but obviously, it’s grown past that with the content we now create every week on the internet.

We each encourage the other to explore the kinks that turn them on with or without each other, as well.

Our one true goal is for the other to be happy, fulfilled and satisfied sexually, because that makes us stronger together.

Why do you think queer people are more open when it comes to unconventional relationships?

Queer people don’t traditionally have the confines of legal marriage or kids in most places to make them remain in a relationship they might be unhappy in, so they give themselves the option to explore other people when things get rough.

In most cases, we’re already seen as immoral or having sinned (unfortunately), just for being queer, so it takes a lot of the stigma out of being ourselves and asking for what we want.

In the case of unconventional relationships, this is both a good and a bad thing, because sometimes sticking it out can have its unexpected rewards. Being visible and unconventional also strengthens your relationship.

What is some advice you can give someone who would like to be in a polyamorous and open relationship?

Three words. Communication. Compromise. Compersion. Communication is a pretty simple concept: talk about your dynamics with each other and set the rules that work for you both, talk about wants, needs and how this or that makes you feel, so you feel heard and have a say.

Compromise comes next: your wants and needs are valid, but you’re not always going to get your way and that’s okay; compromising shows you care about your partner and what they want, but shows you also want to work with them.

And finally, compersion, or an empathetic state of happiness experienced when another individual experiences happiness!

Compersion is probably one of the most complex but simple poly terms and it is pretty much the opposite of jealousy.

If you get jealous, ask yourself what it is you are truly jealous about, because more often than not, it’s about time management and feeling left out or about a lack of communication or compromise. That’s where you have to let the compersion kick in and realise that your loved one is coming back to you happy and fulfilled by doing something with someone you had no interest in doing for them yourself.

You also have popular YouTube and Twitch platforms through WattsTheSafeWord.com – what was the reason for starting the channel and being so open about life as a kinkster and your relationship?

The YouTube channel itself started about six years ago due to Amp, whose main source of entertainment daily was YouTube personalities. He and his friend Bolt started the channel because there was a lack of kinky education, but more importantly, LGBTQ+ channels that covered topics seriously and with a want to help queer people just trying to figure out who they are and what they like.

The show started very bare-bones with little production experience, and was just pieced together using our very beginner editing experience.

That was until Daddy came along! Mr Kristofer, on the other hand, was a porn star and director for 30+ years and had tons of production and on-camera experience (even if it was mostly naked).

Together we both just continued to live our lives as we always did: like an open book, answering questions and providing lived experiences in front of a camera.

While Kristofer wasn’t always in front of the camera, he was proud of what the show was doing and slowly would appear more and more on the shows to give his unique years of experience as a sounding board.

Through the natural progression and banter we both had, we found we had good chemistry together and the audience seemed to agree.

We just believed in leading by example, and think it ended up making people connect with the content we were making.

How has the Covid-19 pandemic affected your relationships?

The better question is how hasn’t it affected everyone’s relationships?

Kristofer stopped seeing all other people and we’ve just kept each other in our close pod of contact.

It’s actually been very nice and has also made us stronger and more understanding of each other’s needs. The flip side of that being that it really did a number on the sexual energies that do exist in our relationship.

Not being able to see our other friends, partners and family really change the stresses, and how they impact you and your sexual desires and energies.

We have never been closer, but at the same time sex, sometimes, its hard to feel into because of the stresses Covid causes in all other areas of your life, both between us and between our other relationships.

Why do you think there is still a negative stigma attached to members of the kink community?

We’ve always viewed our kink identities as a second coming out of sorts. First, a person has to come out and be proud of who they are and own that and their identity.

Then they allow themselves the permission to explore what they are actually into sexually when it comes to the bedroom and our kinks.

Sometimes the shame and stigma we’ve been taught about kink our entire lives takes a long time to overcome, especially for the two of us, who were raised in Catholic households. Being able to have sex, ask for the sex you want, and make sure we’re having fun and pleasure while doing it – on paper sounds easy enough, but can be super hard when your upbringing was so against anything sex-positive.

Similarly, kinksters have to fight how the media uses the trope of kink and BDSM as a joke or as the “dark and dirty little secret” in movies, TV and books, so we definitely think there’s a constant battle and stigma being faced there as well. Sometimes it’s easier for people to shame others for what they themselves are into, than be honest with themselves about what they enjoy sexually.

How would you suggest is the best way for people to overcome kink shaming?

Simple answer: don’t yuck someone else’s yum. We get that it may not turn you on, but it does for others, so why spoil their good time?

Complex answer: if the person isn’t trolling you, they might just not realise how their stigma affects others, and having a quick convo around “why” this person feels this way or that might provide a moment of clarity and education.

The best way to combat stigma or assumptions is by providing that opportunity to teach someone and teach them. Though in the latter instance we only recommend engaging if you have the time and patience to educate others.

Read the third issue of Queer+ Magazine here.