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Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S16 E6: The Wolverine

It’s Bachelorette time everyone. I’ve got a bowl of homemade mac n cheese to get me through and I’m willing to bet Tayshia would happier with my meal than with any of the men.

Anywhoo…

We open with a group date. Some of the guys assemble in a weird beige room for the “Grown-Ass Man Challenge.” There are all kinds of handmade posters on the walls and I think this is a children’s classroom? Two people named Ashley and Jared who met on Bachelor in Paradise and got married are running the challenge.

First up they test the guys skills in math and spelling. Bennett reminds us all that he went to Harvard. Cool story, bro. He immediately fails the first math problem. Then he gets the second math question wrong. These are basic story problems, which my eight-year-old niece could easily answer. Then Bennett gets the first spelling question wrong.

Bennett RN

A forklift knocks over a row of floor to ceiling shelves

Next is tug of war, which Bennett opts out of due to “an old football injury.”

So then we get to the breakfast in bed challenge where the dudes have to make Tayshia breakfast in bed. Chasen takes off his shirt and tells her he can be the main course.

Bennett wears a white robe and crawls into bed with her.

Bennett and Tayshia in bed

Ed loses the competition and is declared a “man child” and has to carry around a crying baby doll. Somehow Bennett wins the competition despite not being able to do basic addition or subtraction.

He continues to wear the robe during the cocktail party, BTW.  Ed names the baby doll Carlos.

Ivan blindfolds Tayshia and feeds her strawberries, which personally feels kinda weird and not sexy to me. Then he kisses her and it’s real wet and loud.

Gross

David from Schitts Creek says ew please don't

So back at the drinking couch Ed and Bennett are telling Chasen he’s fake. Chasen says they’re ganging up on him like Batman and Robin, but that’s okay because he’ll be Superman. Then he changes his mind and says he’ll be Wolverine.

“Do you think he means the comic book character or like he sprays his musk on food he doesn’t want to eat,” asks my husband, who knows way too much about wolverines, the assholes of the animal kingdom.

True story, I came across a wolverine while hiking as a kid and while I’m sure I wanted to pet that forbidden kitty, I will never forget the look of fear on my dad’s face.

a wolverine
Wolverines are assholes.

Chasen tells Ed he has chicken legs right in front of Ed’s new son, Carlos.

Ed tells Tayhsia that he’s “here for the right reasons” and that Chasen is phony. He said that Chasen tells Tayshia the same things he told Clare almost verbatim. To be fair, that may just be due to Chasen’s extremely limited vocabulary.

Then Ed tells Chasen what he told Tayshia and Tayshia asks to talk to Chasen alone.

This mac n cheese is so fucking good, you guys.

Cheese Mmmm

gooey mac n cheese

So Chasen tells Tayshia that he’s there for love and not Instagram followers. Then he goes back and tells Ed he’s a jerk, basically.

“Bottom line, this shit needs to stop dude. You’re pissing me off and you’re interfering with my relationship,” Chasen says.

“Okay dude, take your shmedium shirt and go sit down,” Ed says.

“Actually it’s a large,” Chasen says, getting more agitated.

“Sit down dude, I got a baby in my arms,” Ed says, rocking Carlos.

“Jibber jabber your mouth,” says Chasen. No fucking idea what that means.

There’s a lot of shouting then and poor Carlos is witness to all this toxic masculinity.

The group date rose goes to Ivan and his super loud kisses.

The next night it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Ed still has Carlos who is dressed up for the event.

Chasen assembles all of the dudes and says he feels like his character is being attacked and he doesn’t want drama. Ed tells him he’s phony.

Bennett takes Carlos because, “He doesn’t need to hear this.”

Chasen then says Tayshia is a “smoke-show” and everyone is deeply confused as to what that means. “What girl wants to be called a smoke-show?” Bennett asks.

Click for Chasen

Chasen says she is a smokeshow

Later Ed tells Tayshia how hostile Chasen is and how he stood over him and baby Carlos and shouted.

Tayshia explains that she’s already sick of Ed/Chasen drama. She talks to Chasen about being aggressive and calls it “not a good look.”

Chasen asks to talk to Ed. He apologizes for getting overly aggressive. Ed keeps going back to Chasen being fake. Zac C walks over and tells them to knock it off.

Did I mention this mac n cheese has a jalapeño panko crust? Fucking amazing.

Chris Harrison emerges from where he’s been hiding behind the curtains and says it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony.

Ben says he’s sweaty and shaky and “my leg is doing this thing. I don’t even know what it’s doing.” Is Ben having a low blood sugar event? He gets a rose and hopefully a glass of juice. Ed and Chasen get roses because the producers aren’t going to let the drama go.

Jay, Peter and Montel all go home.

The next day the guys get the group date card and it says that Tayshia is looking for “her perfect match.”

“What do you think we’re doing?” one of the guys asks (I can’t tell who based on the shot).

“I bet it’s puzzles!” someone else shouts.

Nope they are wrestling. Of course Ed and Chasen are on the date. They all get some basic instruction. They are supposed to trash-talk each other, but Joe refuses.

“I just want you to know you’re a really nice guy!” he screams into his opponents’ faces.

Prior to wrestling, Tayshia oils the guys up.

Tayshia sits by some of the competitors

First up Eazy wrestles Joe and wins. Then Jordan wrestles Brendan and wins, but in the process tears up his knee. Spencer and Ben come to a draw, but Ben is bleeding and the medics have to come out. Then, as predicted, we get Chasen and Ed.

Ed asks to talk to Chris Harrison before the match. He tells Chris that he’s had two dislocated shoulders and he wants to opt out. Noah, who was in the audience and not on the date, takes his place. Chasen wins.

Somehow Chasen is named the champion although I don’t understand how they determined that. At the cocktail party he says that the whole group are champions and puts his belt on the table in front of all of them.

Noah and his stupid mustache
We need to talk about Noah’s mustache

Tayshia suggests, not so subtly, that Noah should shave his dumb mustache off. So he goes back to his room and looks in the mirror, then has a panic attack because it turns out his mustache is where his lifeforce is stored because he was cursed by a witch. So he goes and interrupts her conversation with Jordan to discuss the stache.

Some producer gives her a razor and she gets the deed done. “It’s really white under here,” she observes.

Tayshia sits down to give out the group date rose and Ben, who hasn’t talked to her yet, asks for a moment. She says the night is over and she’s disappointed he didn’t seek her out earlier. I feel bad for him because I think he’s just a little bit shy.

The group date rose goes to Noah who is slowly fading away due to the mustache being gone.

And that’s where we end. Are you watching?

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