It’s time for the WTFery that is The Bachelor and this week I have a co-recapper, Pudding the cat.
Pudding is our current foster. She’s fifteen years old and beautiful and totally here for the right reasons.
Pudding has no patience for this franchise’s shit.
Like the rest of us, Pudding is waiting until she can get her vaccines and leave quarantine (aka my office) for her furever home.
So when we open, the two-on-one date between MJ and Jessenia is still going on. MJ is mad because Jessenia “put her actions into question” when she told Matt that MJ wasn’t honest about how she treated the new girls.
Matt pulls up in a fancy red sports car which is hilarious because no one can leave the resort so my assumption is he’s just being doing donuts in the parking lot for like forty-five minutes.
Jessenia tells Matt that MJ lied to him by telling him she was unaware of bullying in the house when she and Queen Victoria were on the forefront of it.
MJ says she’s “mentally and emotionally exhausted” (girl, same) and she’s tired of trying to bring everyone together in the house.
Then Jessenia says, “You know what Meredith, weak bitches lie.”
“You need to literally check yourself!” MJ snaps.
Matt tells MJ he can’t give her the rose and walks her out.
Chris Harrison shows up to tell the ladies that Matt found the night “exhausting” (also LOL you giant fucking baby) and they are going STRAIGHT TO ROSE.
STRAIGHT TO ROSE PEOPLE!
STRAIGHT TO ROSE
Serena C is upset that she didn’t get time with Matt. She blames Katie for the canceled cocktail party because she’s the one who pointed out the drama in the house in the first place, I guess?
Matt tells the women that the “process can get emotionally draining at times” but that he’s “extremely confident in the process” despite the fact that I think it only worked like three times?
IDK. I don’t care enough to Google. Pudding doesn’t care either.
He sends home Magi, Brittany and Ryan.
The next morning Serena C confronts Katie for “running her mouth all time.” She says Katie isn’t there for Matt and describes Katie’s bringing the bullying in the house to Matt’s attention as “antics.”
They shout at each other for awhile and then Katie says, “Thank you for your feedback.”
Click for Katie
Jessenia says, “Yeah last night sucked because we didn’t get a lot of time with Matt, but we don’t want you like screaming at each other.”
So then a white mini van pulls up to the guard shack and Heather Martin asks for Chris Harrison. Heather was on Colton’s season. I remember nothing about her because once these seasons are done I purge them from my memory with alcohol.
So Heather and Chris Harrison stand six feet apart and yell at each other.
“Heather, what the hell are you doing here?” he asks even though she absolutely had to be COVID tested and quarantined for two weeks before the crew would be allowed near her.
Yeah right Chris
Heather shouts that she was hanging out with Hannah Brown who quarantined with Matt for awhile. She says Hannah said Matt is one of the best guys she knows, and she really wants to meet him.
Chris Harrison says he needs to “talk to a lot of people” which is code for the Rose God obviously. He tells Heather to get back in her white mini van and go home, and if they can make it work he’ll call her.
I have no clue what the point of any of this was.
The first one-on-one date goes to Pieper. They go to a carnival that’s been set up on the resort property.
“Going to the fair was something I looked forward to 365 days a year,” Matt says which seems like a really strong feeling regarding carnivals.
In my personal experience carnivals involve a lot of fried food, rides of dubious safety, and witnessing at least one child throw up.
So then we cut back to Heather who is quarantining in a hotel somewhere. Random. Okay.
At the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Pieper says it’s hard for her to talk about her feelings. Then she tells Matt she’s falling in love with him. Matt gives her the date rose.
The next day it’s time for the group date. The women go bowling with Matt because nothing says COVID safety like sticking your fingers in a bowling ball a bunch of people have touched and probably hasn’t been cleaned since ever.
Maybe it’s the quality of the establishments I’ve visited, but I don’t think I’ve ever been to a bowling alley I’d classify as “clean.”
Also the women are terrible at bowling. They need one of those little dinosaur slides they have little kids roll the ball down.
So then Chris Harrison shows up to ruin shit. He breaks them up into two teams. The winning team gets to continue the date with Matt, the losing team has to walk home.
Pudding would like to point out that they haven’t actually left the resort so…
The pink team wins. Chris Harrison shows up with a trophy he probably stole from a sobbing child.
Pudding and I take a break to order a Calzone because we need sustenance to deal with this level of fuckery. At age fifteen, Pudding has seen some shit and she says this show belongs right in the litter box.
Abigail has a meltdown because she’s not getting time with Matt. Like, Matt is leaving, and there’s pizza and wings and nachos at the bowling alley, so frankly she’s not getting the worst deal.
“I’m so sick of losing stupid games,” Serena C says.
THEN WHY ARE YOU ON THIS SHOW OMG.
Then Matt invites the blue team to the after party anyway. The pink team is mad about it. The group date rose goes to Michelle.
The next day Katie gets a one-on-one date, but before that he plays a round of pool with one of his best friend’s, Tyler C from Hannah’s season.
How do all these people know each other? It’s like this show draws from a weird, incestuous pool of people.
Also Matt tells Tyler about Katie’s vibrator and says it was the size of a cactus and I’m pretty sure it was just normal sized so…
So for Katie’s date, they are going to prank Tyler. Tyler is getting a massage, but the massage therapist is really an actor that Katie and Matt will be directing.
This entire part is super gross and also a consent issue. They direct the massage therapist to play with his nipples, which is completely inappropriate and actually assault. They also have her use the roller really roughly on his back. Tyler doesn’t say anything but it’s entirely possible he’s too uncomfortable to do so.
In the end Tyler laughs, but who knows how he felt. I get massage frequently for my fibro and it requires a huge level of trust and vulnerability. If someone pranked me that way I’d be incredibly upset about it, and I have to wonder if they would have played the prank on a woman or if they thought it was okay because Tyler is a dude.
So then it’s time for the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat. Katie says she’s committed to Matt but stops from saying she loves him. Matt says he appreciates her but that his relationships with some of the other women are further along. He doesn’t give her a rose and walks her out.
Pudding and I think Katie will be the next Bachelorette, for what it’s worth.
The next night Heather has apparently quarantined enough that the Rose God deems her safe to join the journey. How many days has it been? Two? WTF. She puts on a white dress that looks very bridal.
We see the women gather for the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail hour and then bam! Heather shows up in her white mini van and evening wear. It is hysterical to me that she’s in a mini van. Matt has had a fancy new car every episode even though he doesn’t leave the resort. Were they out of credit at Hertz or something? The show is making it seem like she put on an astronaut diaper and drove cross country for him.
Also she’s driving herself rather than having a chauffer like everyone else which makes the whole scenario even more bizarre and stalker-ish. Then she gets stuck in the revolving door at the hotel entrance. Not even making this up.
Heather interrupts Matt and Pieper talking. “I feel like I’m in a dream right now,” Matt says.
Like a fever dream?
And that’s where the episode ends. Are you watching?
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